Socialisation Is Not What We Were Told It Was

Socialisation is not what you were told it was

When I got my first ever dog as an adult, I was 18 years old. One of the biggest lies I was taught early on was that socialisation meant exposure and access to everyone and everything. I was told my dog was not happy. I was told this because from the moment I brought my puppy home, he only wanted to be with me. In any space we entered, he only wanted to be by my side. When we went out with friends who had dogs, my dog wanted to be next to me and showed no interest in them. He just wanted me. Everywhere I went, I was told more dogs. More people. More noise. More everything!!!

But despite the obvious slapping us all in the face, common sense was seen as radical, unethical, and downright stupid. So, as a result, if you told Tommy down the park that your dog was nervous, the answer was to take them everywhere.

If you mentioned to Sandra by the shops that your dog was unsure, the solution was to forcefully push through it. And if your dog reacted, if they dared to try to show you in a clearer way that they were not happy with the circumstance that you have forced them into in an untimely manner, it meant you had failed to socialise them properly.

Some of this I knew to be rubbish as soon as I heard it, but some of this I believed. All the while, these same people all had dogs showing difficulty in over excitement, aggression, aggressive displays, an overall general lack of self-control, and none of them could recall their dogs away from another dog, but I could.

Socialisation has become one of the most misunderstood words in dog ownership. I believe the misinterpretation of the word links towards the majority of behavioural issues. Somewhere along the way, it turned into an unrealistic checklist instead of a relationship between you, your dog, and your world.

But dogs are not built from tick boxes.

Flooding Is Not Confidence Building

What many people call socialisation is actually flooding.

Busy parks. Wrestling matches. Packed puppy classes. Strangers reaching out without consent. Dogs being forced to cope rather than allowed to process.

• A dog that shuts down is often labelled calm.

• A dog that freezes is praised for behaving well.

• A dog that explodes is shunned or worse, criminalised for being poorly socialised.

But none of those responses tell us the dog feels safe.

True socialisation is not about how much your dog can tolerate when faced with children pulling at them, strangers invading their space, and uninvited dogs pinning them in a wrestling match that they never subscribed to. It is about how they feel while experiencing the world and helping them to remain neutral and responsive to you as their owner.

A dog that learns how to be neutral and responsive to their owner, in a world that can be unpredictable, does not need to be brave all the time. They just need to look to their owner for direction.

Neutral Is a Skill Owners Rarely Teach

We talk endlessly about friendly dogs, and how great they are when actually, when I am out and about with my dog, I can assure you that most other people’s idea of friendly does not align with mine at all.

I do not consider a dog bolting up to mine and muzzle punching them to be an act of play.

I do not consider a dog that is continuously chasing mine when mine is trying to relax, be with me, or just sniff some pee-mails (a fun amalgamation of the words emails and pee) to be endearing.

I do not consider being surprised by a dog shoving its nose up mine’s bottom to be socially acceptable.

Rarely do we talk about neutral ones, the ones that master the art of doing nothing, the ones that look to their owners for guidance. A well socialised dog does not need to greet every dog. They do not need to love every person. They do not need to cope with chaos to be considered stable. Neutrality is often the missing piece, combined with acquiring some self-control.

Teaching a dog that nothing is expected of them is one of the kindest things we can do. No performance. No interaction. No pressure. Just existing.

For many dogs, especially sensitive ones, this is where confidence actually grows.

The Cost of Getting It Wrong

I have seen dogs labelled aggressive when they were overwhelmed. Dogs labelled stubborn when their owner just has not trained them.

And then, owners blamed when they were following the advice they were given by a ‘professional’. And I have seen the grief of realising that doing what you thought was right may have made things harder.

That realisation stays with you.

• It changes how you train.

• It changes how you see behaviour.

• It changes how you listen.

Socialisation Is Ongoing, Not Something You Finish

Socialisation is not a puppy stage you complete and move on from. Life happens, so

• Dogs change.

• Their tolerance shifts.

• Their needs evolve.

A dog who coped last year might struggle this year. A dog who loved the world might need more space after illness, stress, or loss. That does not mean you failed. It means your dog is alive and is not a robot!

Meeting your dog where they are now matters more than where you think they should be.

What I Wish More People Were Told

I wish more people were told that slower is not weaker. Removing your dog from things is not avoidant or problematic, rather it can be protective. That advocating for your dog is an important part of training, not an excuse.

I wish we talked more about emotional safety and less about tolerance dressed up as confidence. Because a dog that feels safe does not need to prove it.

So, take this as permission today. Today, be with your dog, be your dog’s centre, and be your dog’s safe space.

So next time you go out with your dog, go out with intention. Bring their favourite toy, some treats. Engage with your dog and start saying "no" to others.

• No, you cannot stroke my dog.

• No, it is not OK that your dog is “just trying to say hello”. Tell them to recall their dog.

Go Out With Purpose And Watch How Things Change.

Remember, you got a dog to be your dog. You did not get your dog to be entertained, or to entertain the world.

If you need any help with undesirable behaviours, click the contact us link and we can see how I can help.